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Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Dots. Lines. Shapes. Forms. Images. Reality.
Dots. LInes. Shapes. Forms. Images. Reality.
Dot.
Arrive at Land. First person I meet there is Keshav.
Within the first five minutes of arrival at Land being told by Govind, "Ohh, you're one of us!"
I feel like I can breathe for the first time in a long time. I actually sleep that night.
I meet Doc.
Line.
The Taj Hotel in Bombay. The catharsis that had been waiting for 24 years. And a walk that followed the catharsis..at dawn, in the rain with Doc and Keshav.
Land. Ishan's farewell.
Another catharsis follows the farewell. This one is more intense than the first one.
More dots...more lines...forming
Shapes.
Doc's first program trip to the US in December 2006.
Jan. 2007, From the highest high to lowest low. Night Terrors. Flashbacks. Panic Attacks. Tremors.
Attempted OD.
Forms.
Feb 2007. Bangkok trip. Therapy with Doc on another level. Coming clean.
Connecting back with Keshav after his farewell.
Doing the program at home. With suport that was stronger and more dependable than if I had been on Land. A life that is not beautiful is no longer an option.
I want to experientially know happiness.
Images.
Ups. Downs. And the in-betweens. Feeling like maybe I could do it. Then feeling like I absolutely couldn't.
Returning to the basics again and again. "Fuck the feeling, do the right thing...Thought, feeling, urge, action...reverse it and eventually it'll feel good!" And if it doesn't, I'll just find Keshav and kill him!
Doing the right thing feels right. I don't quite know when it happened. But it feels natural. I'm not just doing it, I'm feeling it. Experienc vs. Concept. I experience it. Keshav's constant voice in my head stops. Or it pauses anyway.
May 2007. Sugrish is hospitalized. Neha leaves for India. And Intention theory kicks in automatically. I see the vision, I feel the vibe.
Doc returns. He tells me during the trip that I just got my farewell.
Reality.
Late July/Early August, 2007. Brutal week.
I want to give up. I'm tired. I'm not strong enough.
I'm told that I can't give up. That this day is just a dot. I listen. I don't completely understand or believe. But I completely trust. So I keep going.
August 2007. Ishan tells me about his slip. I don't slip. I don't fall. I hurt like hell, but I hold on. I hear Doc's voice in my head now. "Comfort others and you'll find more happiness than you can dream of".
I turn my focus outwards. Neha and I reach an amazing level of closeness.
I am gradually beginning to understand what was said to me weeks prior to this. About the dots....
I am able to focus in on what has been there all along, what I was too close to see....
Each dot is essential to this picture. Essential to my reality. Each dot is my marker on my journey. And as I continue on, I get a clearer view into and of my life.
It's like a painting by Monet. Get too close and it's messy, smudged, the colors don't work together, you have to strain to figure out what the artist was trying to create... it's just not easy on the eye.
Step away. Allow space and time for perspective. And get ready to have your breath taken away....the dots are in alignment. The colors are absolutely perfect. The chaos becomes the order.
I'm brought to tears by the beauty of this masterpiece.
I'm looking at it right now. My life.
Dot.
Arrive at Land. First person I meet there is Keshav.
Within the first five minutes of arrival at Land being told by Govind, "Ohh, you're one of us!"
I feel like I can breathe for the first time in a long time. I actually sleep that night.
I meet Doc.
Line.
The Taj Hotel in Bombay. The catharsis that had been waiting for 24 years. And a walk that followed the catharsis..at dawn, in the rain with Doc and Keshav.
Land. Ishan's farewell.
Another catharsis follows the farewell. This one is more intense than the first one.
More dots...more lines...forming
Shapes.
Doc's first program trip to the US in December 2006.
Jan. 2007, From the highest high to lowest low. Night Terrors. Flashbacks. Panic Attacks. Tremors.
Attempted OD.
Forms.
Feb 2007. Bangkok trip. Therapy with Doc on another level. Coming clean.
Connecting back with Keshav after his farewell.
Doing the program at home. With suport that was stronger and more dependable than if I had been on Land. A life that is not beautiful is no longer an option.
I want to experientially know happiness.
Images.
Ups. Downs. And the in-betweens. Feeling like maybe I could do it. Then feeling like I absolutely couldn't.
Returning to the basics again and again. "Fuck the feeling, do the right thing...Thought, feeling, urge, action...reverse it and eventually it'll feel good!" And if it doesn't, I'll just find Keshav and kill him!
Doing the right thing feels right. I don't quite know when it happened. But it feels natural. I'm not just doing it, I'm feeling it. Experienc vs. Concept. I experience it. Keshav's constant voice in my head stops. Or it pauses anyway.
May 2007. Sugrish is hospitalized. Neha leaves for India. And Intention theory kicks in automatically. I see the vision, I feel the vibe.
Doc returns. He tells me during the trip that I just got my farewell.
Reality.
Late July/Early August, 2007. Brutal week.
I want to give up. I'm tired. I'm not strong enough.
I'm told that I can't give up. That this day is just a dot. I listen. I don't completely understand or believe. But I completely trust. So I keep going.
August 2007. Ishan tells me about his slip. I don't slip. I don't fall. I hurt like hell, but I hold on. I hear Doc's voice in my head now. "Comfort others and you'll find more happiness than you can dream of".
I turn my focus outwards. Neha and I reach an amazing level of closeness.
I am gradually beginning to understand what was said to me weeks prior to this. About the dots....
I am able to focus in on what has been there all along, what I was too close to see....
Each dot is essential to this picture. Essential to my reality. Each dot is my marker on my journey. And as I continue on, I get a clearer view into and of my life.
It's like a painting by Monet. Get too close and it's messy, smudged, the colors don't work together, you have to strain to figure out what the artist was trying to create... it's just not easy on the eye.
Step away. Allow space and time for perspective. And get ready to have your breath taken away....the dots are in alignment. The colors are absolutely perfect. The chaos becomes the order.
I'm brought to tears by the beauty of this masterpiece.
I'm looking at it right now. My life.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
So many amazing things have been happening to me recently so i thought i'd start off the dot-sharing experience with something that made me so utterly happy and amazed me all over again at how the universe conspires... :)
All summer, from July to September, i had holidays, and i kept thinking to myself that i would go for a weekend on my own for a little break and some reflection time, and i decided on Paris as the destination because its so beautiful, i really love it. But it never happened because the purchase of my flat had so many complications that i had to stay put.
Then one day a few months back i was missing someone so much - someone who had known about my Paris want, and we both made intention there and then on the spot to meet up in Paris one day in the future.
Then again this week i had holiday so a month ago i spoke to Keshav and was telling him about my plans to go this week for a day or two to wander by the river with my camera and poetry book and just enjoy some time there. But then two weeks back my Chachu had a major heart attack and passed away suddenly, and then last week i had a car crash and have been in bed with a back injury, so again the plan was put on hold.
And then what do i hear a few days back? That Doc and so many people i love are coming to Europe! And where? To none other than Paris! You can imagine how i felt! I was so thrilled! I immediately made an intention to go. And now the intention i made to meet my sister there will be fulfilled too. It never fails to amaze me how beautifully the dots all join up when you least expect it.
All summer, from July to September, i had holidays, and i kept thinking to myself that i would go for a weekend on my own for a little break and some reflection time, and i decided on Paris as the destination because its so beautiful, i really love it. But it never happened because the purchase of my flat had so many complications that i had to stay put.
Then one day a few months back i was missing someone so much - someone who had known about my Paris want, and we both made intention there and then on the spot to meet up in Paris one day in the future.
Then again this week i had holiday so a month ago i spoke to Keshav and was telling him about my plans to go this week for a day or two to wander by the river with my camera and poetry book and just enjoy some time there. But then two weeks back my Chachu had a major heart attack and passed away suddenly, and then last week i had a car crash and have been in bed with a back injury, so again the plan was put on hold.
And then what do i hear a few days back? That Doc and so many people i love are coming to Europe! And where? To none other than Paris! You can imagine how i felt! I was so thrilled! I immediately made an intention to go. And now the intention i made to meet my sister there will be fulfilled too. It never fails to amaze me how beautifully the dots all join up when you least expect it.
Monday, October 22, 2007
OK
For all those who know already...know!
Apparently random dots hm?
...there's this conversation which occured a few hours ago...with a friend-the BigDot...a fleeting, random, 'almost-not-registered-even' conversation...so at work...google blogger...three easy steps...account already exists...chose name...Universal Conspiracy...few seconds...chose link name ApparentlyRandomDots...set to post link to other dots...ok google/blogger says choose 'template'...scroll down options...see template called 'dots'...so here goes...
Apparently random dots hm?
For all those who know already...know!
Apparently random dots hm?
...there's this conversation which occured a few hours ago...with a friend-the BigDot...a fleeting, random, 'almost-not-registered-even' conversation...so at work...google blogger...three easy steps...account already exists...chose name...Universal Conspiracy...few seconds...chose link name ApparentlyRandomDots...set to post link to other dots...ok google/blogger says choose 'template'...scroll down options...see template called 'dots'...so here goes...
Apparently random dots hm?
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